Bob McTeer

The Dallas Morning News

I read the personals,
Every now and then
To see what is desired
By women seeking men.

I’m not free to answer such ads,
But I wonder what it would take
To appeal to all those females
Unabashedly on the make.

What do they most want?
What do they treasure?
What are the standards
Against which to measure?

Do they want a dapper Dan
With a good tan?
Who orders fine wines
Whenever he dines?

His own hair
Not too bare?
Doesn’t try to hide
His feminine side?

Not afraid to say
He likes the ballet?
Never rude,
Never crude?

Young enough to be cute
Old enough to have loot?
Likes day walks in the park
And night strolls in the dark?

Will now and then deign
To walk in the rain?
At the top of all lists, it seems,
Is really good hygiene.

They want clean and sober,
Certainly, a nonsmoker.
Now on this score, it could be me
For I’m nothing, if not smoke free.

I’m big on showers
Extremely hygienic.
Very sincere
Not a cynic.

But what disqualifies me,
And it’s most unfortunate,
They want height and weight
To be proportionate.

On this score, I don’t fare so well,
But I do have a solution.
It’s my standard
New Year’s resolution.

Bob McTeer of Dallas describes himself as “an aspiring drugstore cowboy poet.”